HERE I AM

Ever since I was little I have been cursed with a constant and overwhelming urge for perfectionism. This resulted in procrastination becoming second nature. My growing anxiety began limiting everything I tried to accomplish. The fear of not doing my absolute best caused me to blame the lack of effort I put into everything on just waiting until the last minute. Once high school started, missing assignments piled on top of each other and my grades started plummeting. By the time junior year came around, even my ambition for growing my YouTube channel began disappearing. In order to prevent myself from drowning in self hate and anxiety, I would tell myself "its fine, i'm just not that smart and I procrastinate, I'll just do better next time." 


But I would never "do better" as I continued lying to myself and making up excuses every single time. 

Senior year kicked my ass. Never in my life did I think I would let myself get to such a low point. I felt trapped inside my own life. Nothing was a priority. I got away with doing as little as I could. I stopped caring about everything and anything that benefited my success. I was more inconsistent with YouTube than I had ever been. The only thing motivating me to do somewhat well in school was my acceptance into my dream fashion school in New York City. By the end of senior year I had over 61 absences that I had to make up through over 20 hours of staying after school and attending Saturday school. I barely graduated. I risked losing my dream because of how irresponsible and lazy I was. I thought I had finally realized how badly I needed to change. Unfortunately, the freedom brought on by my last summer at home gave me no reason to attempt any kind of responsibility. 

I have now been living in New York City for 2 months and am almost finished with my first semester of college. I knew moving here and starting college would be the change I needed in order to start changing myself. I thought I would be able to become the motivated and hardworking person I knew I could be the minute I moved here. But in reality, I am still not quite there yet. And I am finally accepting that changing habits I have had the past 8 years is far from easy. It takes time. College is fucking hard. And I'm so glad it is. I'm forcing myself to bite off more than I can chew and put work into things I would usually be too scared to even finish. I am sick of limiting my potential simply because I am too lazy and too afraid of failure. That is seriously complete bullshit. 

Usually this would be the time I tell myself, for the 408th time this year, that I need to get my shit together. But this time is different. I don't need to get my shit together, I WANT to. And I AM going to. Because I am so bored with not doing shit. and I am so tired of the anxiety I give myself because I don't do shit. 

And no, none of this is said in a thirst for self pity. Self pity doesn't change shit. I say this hoping someone realizes how normal this all is and that they aren't alone. So don't think I want you to feel sorry for me, because I know damn well I am the only one to blame for getting to this point. 

So, heres to accomplishing everything I know I can. I deserve it. 

xo, em